ADVICE: When someone passes away...

When someone passes away and you find yourself in a position to offer your condolences to their loved ones - whether in person, through text messages or a post on social media - it is important to express your sympathies to them with the utmost respect and consideration.

1. WORDS CAN HEAL OR HURT:

Avoid saying things like: "Don't cry, just make Dua", "Have sabr", "I went through this so you'll be OK", "I know someone who died with this illness", "We will all die anyway" etc.

These words don't console someone, but instead they can hurt or even frighten them. Let people mourn; let them cry.

2. BE A LISTENER:

It's important to listen. Be gentle if the person grieving says things out of place, such as words of Kufr etc. They experience a huge range of emotions, including shock, sadness, pain, anger, guilt, anxiety, and numbness - lend them your ear. Sometimes people in this situation look for an outlet to express their emotions, which is good for their mental wellbeing.

 

3. BE CONSIDERATE:

Try not to call them if possible, especially before they've buried the deceased. They will be preoccupied with burial preparations, attaining death certificates etc. Give them time. Use your wisdom. They’ll probably receive hundreds of calls and texts so don’t be upset if they don’t answer or reply to you. It’s most likely that they are being asked the same questions (e.g ‘How did they die?’, ‘When is the Janazah?’…) by everyone.

4. SHOW THEM SUPPORT:

Let them know that you are there to support and make Dua for their loved ones. A simple sincere text message with your prayers and condolences can make a difference.

5. FOCUS ON THEM:

Avoid talking about your own grief or difficulties. You might relate to their situation, however, it's about them right now. We often want to advise and find a solution but sometimes it is best to just listen to them. Of course, if they do ask for advice, you share what you know.

 

If you know the person who has died, share some fond memories or anything that may have impacted you in some way.

6.GIVE SADAQAH:

Ongoing charity on behalf of the deceased will benefit them after they have passed away. Give Sadaqah on their behalf, build wells, sponsor orphans etc. If you are setting up projects, remember to get the permission of the family of the one who has passed away.

7. PREPARE FOOD:

Making a dish for the grieving family is a kind gesture. They will not be in the right frame of mind to think of preparing food. In fact, when Ja’far ibn Abi Talib (RadhiAllahu Anhu) died, the Prophet Sallallahu Alyhiwasallam said, ‘Prepare food for the family of Ja’far for there has come to them what has preoccupied them.’

In some cultures, it is a tradition to cook for the family of the deceased for that very reason, that they are preoccupied. However, please be mindful to ask them before giving food as other people may also be giving food too.

Finally, here’s a hadith of what Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alyhiwasallam) himself experienced and how he responded:

Anas ibn Malik (RadhiAllahu Anhu) reported: ‘The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, passed by a woman who was weeping next to a grave. The Prophet said, “Be mindful of Allah and be patient.” She said, “Go away from me! You have not been afflicted by a calamity like mine,” and she did not recognise him. Then, she was told that it was the Prophet (Sallallahu Alyhiwasallam), so she went to the Prophet’s house and she did not find any guards there. She said to him, “I did not recognize you.” The Prophet said, “Verily, patience is at the first strike.” Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 1223, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 926

May Allah grant all the deceased Jannatul Firdaus, provide Sabr and ease to their families, and give us a righteous ending when the time comes for us to leave this world. Aameen.